January training frenzy

I'm taking notes on all the trainers and joiners in the first half of this month, riding the "American Psycho" Resolution trend to start up that program and shape up. Now they're all writing in their blogs about how they like to start the morning with an ice pack and a facial peel before doing their crunches, "I can do a thousand, now." But soon, they'll be standing in an alley, trying to feed a cat into an ATM machine with a hand-gun. And where will their training program be then?